Somebody else got the red cup. Ten seconds later: red face, tight fists, and a scream that rattles the windows. And sooner or later someone suggests the classic fix: give them a pillow to punch.
Where the anger comes from
Anger shows up when something gets in the way — the tower falls, the turn ends, the answer is no. At three, four, and five, the feeling often arrives faster than the words for it, so it comes out through hands and feet.
That’s a stage, not a character flaw. Hitting and biting peak around ages 2–3 and usually decline as children learn other ways.
“Other ways” is the important part of that sentence. The anger itself isn’t the problem. All feelings are okay. Not every action is.
Why the pillow sounds so sensible
The pillow comes from an old, intuitive picture of anger: a pressure that builds up inside and has to come out somewhere. If it has to come out, better on a pillow than on a little brother. It’s a kind instinct, and it looks safe. Nobody gets hurt.
Why not just let my child punch a pillow?
Because for a young child, hitting a pillow is still practice at hitting when angry — the very thing you’re hoping will fade. A preschooler is still learning what to do when anger arrives. If the answer they rehearse is “hit something,” only the target has changed.
The research points the same way, with one important limit. In studies with adults, calming activities like slow breathing reduced anger, while hitting things kept it going. Those studies were with adults, not preschoolers, so we don’t stretch them further than they go. Together with the practice point, they’re enough for us to leave the pillow out.
What a story can show instead
Spike, our crab, had his own version of the pillow for a while: the Angry Splash. An old habit that never really helped — the splash just made more steam.
In his mini-story, it’s race day. Somebody zooms off early, and Spike’s cheeks get hot. Then:
Hot cheeks, click-clack claws — Spike knows those signs. He stops. Squeeze. Let go. Blow it slow. The hot gets smaller. Click, click: “Ready… set… fair this time!”
A child watching Spike doesn’t need a lecture about anger. They see the hot cheeks, the stop, and the fair restart, and they can talk about what Spike’s body did without talking about their own meltdown. Feelings are easier to talk about when they belong to a story character first.
Spike explores anger through a race that isn’t fair. Spike’s own book is planned — no release date yet. His free mini-story is in the Starter Kit.
This article is general information for parents, not medical or psychological advice. You know your child; when in doubt, your pediatrician is the right first call.
Sources
- Bushman BJ (2002). Does venting anger feed or extinguish the flame? Catharsis, rumination, distraction, anger, and aggressive responding. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 28(6), 724–731. (study in adults)
- Kjaervik SL, Bushman BJ (2024). A meta-analytic review of anger management activities that increase or decrease arousal: what fuels or douses rage?. Clinical Psychology Review, 109, 102414. (mostly studies in adults)
- Tremblay RE, Nagin DS, Séguin JR, Zoccolillo M, Zelazo PD, Boivin M, et al. (2004). Physical aggression during early childhood: trajectories and predictors. Pediatrics, 114(1), e43–e50.
- Alink LRA, Mesman J, van Zeijl J, et al. (2006). The early childhood aggression curve: development of physical aggression in 10- to 50-month-old children. Child Development, 77(4), 954–966.
